Let’s play a game. Close your eyes, in your mind though because you have to keep reading, and imagine you are the only person alive on this planet. K, now you have $1,000,024 in your account, presto, just like that. You’re welcome. What will you spend it on? You decide to go to the Ferrari store but no one is there to sell you the car, so you just take one. You drive to your favorite scenic view and snap a selfie with your car and the view and you throw it up on Instagram and Facebook… for who to see? You realize you’re hungry and head to your favorite spot to grub… except there’s no one there to hook you up with that deliciousness you love so much. Without others, what’s the point of money? Without Human Connection, what really matters?
As children we learn to connect with those around us, it’s built into our survival. We cry and hopefully someone comes to our rescue and changes our poopy diaper, gives us something to eat, or loses their mind trying to figure out what the heck we are crying for. Then as we get a little older we are constantly either standing back and observing others, all up in people’s business trying to engage others in play or conversation, or somewhere in between. We hit middle/high school and figuring out where we fit in socially, or don’t fit, becomes a focal point, and through trial and error we start to question: how do we make friends, how do we keep them, what’s with all this drama, and how are we willing to be treated? Then we grow a little more and hit the dating scene… this throws many of us for a loop because it may be the first time we find ourselves lost in someone else, and we often have wonky relationship role models, so then there’s that. Sometimes we give up everything we like just to be by someone’s side, to be held by them, to be looked at in that way that makes us feel more important than air itself.
Eventually, we find ourselves in college or at work trying to navigate those social intricacies with varying degrees of success… Speaking of work… A person can work doing something they love, only to be miserable at work because of the crappy dynamics with their co-workers and/or boss. A person can also be working at a job they don’t really care for but love going to work because of their amazing relationships with the people around them.
When it comes to Human Connection, much of what we learn, for better or for worse, comes from family. Our whole lives we spend navigating the varying relationships within our family. As we grow older the relationships change in that parents can become more mentors, confidants, advisors, arch enemies… then you factor in siblings, aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins, second cousins, Uncle Fred who isn’t actually an uncle, in-laws… family dynamics and relationships can get all sorts of crazy. People can feel left out, rumors are sparked by looks, kindled by whispers, extinguished by… do they ever get extinguished? Some family members swear oaths not to talk to others anymore, some vouch to do better than others… All of these relationships impact our happiness to varying degrees, and they are all based on human connection.
The American culture promotes autonomy, independence, and self-sufficiency, yet at the same time, we long for connection and are engrossed with social media. A societal undertone suggests we are expected to take care of ourselves, figure everything out on our own with no help, and meet all of our own needs. Yet, we spend countless hours peppering likes and hearts on other people’s pages and feeds throughout the day, following tweets, and binge-watching YouTubers doing all sorts of randomness. The perceived importance of face-to-face contact has been left in the shadows of getting as many likes, views, and follows as possible. The trend seems to be swinging to a place where Human Connections will be initially filtered through digital interfaces such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Tinder, before people are willing to jump into real and/or in-person conversations.
As a Social Worker I have had the pleasure of engaging in countless conversations with people from all different walks of life. I have seen people bounce back from seemingly impossible life circumstances, and have seen people with “everything” slowly think themselves into depression. What I have come to learn, based both off experience and the research, is if a person does not have at least one other human they can connect with, who will listen and provide honest feedback, someone they trust and will accept guidance from… their chance of success, in any positive way success can be defined, is significantly reduced. A Harvard study on happiness and aging, going strong for over 80 years now, finds good relationships, and embracing community, are key (if not necessary) to being a happy adult and healthy aging (Mineo, 2017).
Tayari’s Two Cents: I believe the quality of the human connections we have to date are heavily influenced and shaped by our first experiences in society and how we process our past and current relationships. I also believe that the first society we encounter as infants is that of our own family and from there, we bob and weave in and out of different social circles interacting with people of a variety of differences, levels of connection, and experiences.
As far back as I can remember, my earliest social circles were diverse and multicultural. As kids, we made fun of each other while at the same time learned a good deal about each other. We developed strong friendships and stood up for each other when one of the older kids (which we all knew) would come around and pick on us. It was all for one and one for all. It’s just what we did and all that we knew.
Looking back at those earlier social circles with what I know now, my thinking is very close in line with Urie Bronfenbrenner’s (An American psychologist) Ecological Systems Theory. According to him, as kids we marinate in a variety of ecosystems, the first one being the home ecological system and then move on through the school system and then onto systems that include society and culture. In total, he lays out 5 systems of external influence that we progress and develop through: Microsystem (immediate environment), Mesosystem (connections), Exosystem (indirect environment), Macrosystem (social and cultural values), and Chronosystem (changes over time).
When I look back and connect the dots with regard to people that I’ve cultivated relationships and experiences with, I learned a lot and gained a better understanding of who we were. Not only about the relationships, but also about myself as well. I learned a great deal about my ego and which type of support system suits me best, about friendships, relationships, love, and my struggles and opportunities for growth. The one thing that stands out the most is my genuine curiosity for why people do the things they do; it makes sense why I chose to study psychology. Because my initial social foundation was so diverse and different from inside my house, I asked my friends a lot of questions about why their families did what they did, parents included. I have yet to stop.
Over the course of time, a few things I learned were that everybody wants to be accepted and does not like to be alone. From an early age, I’ve always noticed that one person in the room who wasn’t smiling and I would connect with them. I was somewhat popular and would make a point to include my new friend with the crew and would prop he or she up as one of the homies. In doing so, an unspoken layer of friendship or some type of bond formed that till this day from kindergarten still stands, 33 years later. Likewise, I’ve noticed people all have a story to tell and if you listen with an intent to understand you might find out you have a lot in common with a person. I’ve also come to understand a lot about the importance of learning and challenging my beliefs. A byproduct of all these connections has been that I’ve come up with a variety of questions in order to get to know people. Questions that I look forward to discussing on deeper levels during some of our upcoming articles here at StaySmillinLife.
Kristina’s Truth… I struggle with human connection. I’m the person that always feels awkward in social settings, especially with people I don’t know. As an adult, I became “good” at making small talk, but on a surface level and I felt like I couldn’t figure out how to dig into that deeper level that I craved and that I felt other people were looking for. I think the reason was a combination of fear of becoming vulnerable, selfishness, not listening well to others, and making sure to act a certain way in particular situations. I created multiple versions of Kristina for each social setting. It resulted in me feeling inauthentic and led me to my recent journey to improve my ability to have human connection because I want to genuinely connect with others and because I want to be someone that other people want to talk to and feel good after having a conversation with me. In order to do this, I reached out to Carlos to guide me through how to develop better active listening skills and I’ve had better connections as a result. It’s a current work in progress and I will probably always have room for improvement, but it couldn’t have happened without first acknowledging my own shortcomings and actually asking for help. I share this because I’m hoping that it’ll resonate with others who have a hard time asking for help or think they know everything. Those are qualities in myself that I have identified, that don’t sound great, but that I’m actively trying to change. I’m acknowledging my shortcomings. I’m becoming more vulnerable when I speak to people. I am learning how to not make assumptions when I speak to people and to be mindful of snap judgments so that I can hopefully hear and fully comprehend the meaning behind people’s words, because at the end of the day everyone, including myself, wants to feel like they were heard and understood, and that’s what develops human connection.
It’s me Yoichi, and there are times when human connections helped me and helped others in my life. There was this time in my life when everything was going negatively: my fiance became an ex-fiance, I felt betrayed by my friends, my living situation was not good, had job issues, my mind was beating itself up, and other small things all piled up during that time. My grandmother advised me to go to Japan and to one of her Temples (she was a Sensei) to relax and ease my mind (little did I know her real reason). I was able to take time off of everything (I was so fortunate) so I just bought a ticket and left for Japan, only telling my parents (I was staying at home because of the situation), my brothers, and my uncles (who lived in Japan so I can stay with them). To my friends reading this for the first time, sorry… not sorry! I went to the Temple for 5 days and 4 nights. Let me tell you, it was an experience, as it was a completely different situation and way of life. The people were refreshing and it was HOT because it was during the summer (HOT and HUMID in that part of Japan). While I was there there were about 20~30 people aged from 15 to 50 years from all over Japan who were staying at this Temple. They came because they were having problems and needed help. During a round table introduction, while us guests shared a little about the reason we were there, I realized my problems were… not complicated, but just some things that I needed to accept and move on (especially about my ex). But at the same time, I realized some of my problems were similar to others, and some were not, but I felt I could easily relate to what others were saying. We are all human and have problems, and even in different countries around the world human problems are very similar. It also made me realize that I was running away from my problems back home. As I saw the people trying to tackle their problems head-on while asking for help, something clicked in my head. When I was introducing myself I told the truth, that I was not Japanese but I speak fluent Japanese… I look Japanese so none of them really believed me. Hahaha, I told them I am from another part of the world (USA) with different views and ideas to the same problems we all seem to face in life, and invited them to take a chance and come talk with me. And one day when I was relaxing on a balcony a man in his late 30’s approached me, he saw me smile at him and he half smiled (he felt a little relaxed), and asked his ice breaker question to me… “Are you really not from Japan? You talk like you were born in Japan.” We both laughed and from this, we started talking and I found out that he was a “Hikikomori.” “Hiki” means pull/inwards and “Komori” means confined or reclusive. This person has “Social Withdrawal” and is a “Hermit,” and sometimes finds himself in a depression. He told me he would rather be secluded and isolated and does not want to be with people, nor does he know how to be with, or talk with people. The point was not lost on me that it took sooooo much energy/courage for him to overcome his fear to talk with someone he didn’t know. His curiosity apparently got the better of him! He was a person who knew how to communicate but fell off the bike and didn’t/couldn’t get back on, so he gave up and fell down the rabbit hole (Hikikomori).
We formed a Human Connection and I offered him some talking tips so he could hopefully overcome his anxiety and fear. Apparently that gave him a little courage to talk with a random person outside of his house while shopping (he told me this right before I was leaving the Temple). He also sent me an email a couple months later with a great update (eating out with friends), and several more updates after (he was being more social).
Thanks to my family who had been so understanding, while at the Temple I was able to rejuvenate my spirit, calm my mind, reevaluate my life, assess and accept my problems, and found a possible solution. My positive outlook affected this person while we were communicating, and because I took time to get to know him, he said I became the guiding hand to pull him back on the bike of life. I guess I was able to give him the human connection that he lost. When I got back home I spoke to my grandma about the experience and she explained to me the reason she had me go to that specific Temple, “I also went to that Temple when I was young, and I learned that having Human Connection with people you don’t know, but share the same experiences with, makes a person understand the importance of other people during our life. Everyone always needs someone’s shoulder to cry on, even if you don’t know that person.”
Carlos’ Thinky Thinky… Dang, Yosh, your grandma IS a true Sensei!!!! She got you good… that’s so dope. Ummm, can I get an invite next time? I view human connection as the extent of one’s relationship with humanity as a whole. I haven’t always felt that way though, nope, sure haven’t. Maybe it’s because I was adopted, but I didn’t grow up thinking of “connection” much at all. I just thought we were all just here doing our own thaaang. Once I got into the social work field however, I realized I was learning a whole lot from the people who were in some terrible, desperate, and trying times. I sat across from hundreds of people and listened to their journeys, and many times they were going through circumstances that I had never fully experienced… what I mean by that is, while I’ve been molested, bullied, ignored, belittled, betrayed, dogged out and given up on… my experiences of those things has never been EXACTLY like the stories I was hearing… but bits and pieces were similar, and the pain they described sounded a whole lot like the pains I felt. I learned that I am no different than the people I sit across from, and that they want the same things as I do. I also know some “highly successful” people who have “status,” and at the end of the day they lay on a couch, their feet hurting, often have unresolved issues from their childhood and teen years, have challenges with raising their children and navigating their relationships, and they too worry about their health… just like everyone else. After a while, a realization smacked me across the head… We’re ALL human living life like one big guess: none of us know exactly what the point of Life is, and we all have had experiences that resulted in us feeling pain, physically, emotionally, and mentally. We desire belonging, connection, feeling validated and as though we matter, at least to someone, or something (usually pets… cats were my saviors growing up). I started to use people’s stories to help others know that they aren’t alone, that their experience is real, that it’s ok to feel “different” because, at the end of the day, we are. Yet the magic lies in the truth that we also all share at least three things in common: we are human, we are alive, and our human experience is impacted by others. This is why I started StaySmilinLife, because I believe that happiness comes from understanding we are all in this together, and what we do has an impact on the planet and others, even if we cannot see it. Even though we are technically itty bitty pieces in a seemingly infinite puzzle, the puzzle cannot be completed without each one of us. Our individual roles may be tiny, our impact even less, but we indeed have a role and we do have an impact on others. We do not have the choice of if we will impact others and this earth, but how we will impact them both.
One of my favorite questions to ask people is about their favorite memory in life, thus far. I have yet to meet someone who’s answer doesn’t involve another person. I believe that human connection is the key, the pinnacle of the human experience, the secret sauce which lubricates our life’s journey so that it isn’t non-stop grinding. Lack of human connection allows for torment, depression, despair, and fear to come hang out as though they were invited. Healthy Human Connection allows for moments, or long periods of, happiness, joy, love, and belonging. Human connection takes practice, it takes patience, and it takes effort and energy to foster and maintain… but it is within us to connect, and sometimes we just need to be reminded why and how. Smiles – Out.
We at StaySmilinLife understand how challenging it can be to navigate all of the varying relationships one can have. When it comes to relationships of any kind, the four of us combined have each failed miserably, done alright, and knocked some out of the park. Building up our human connection muscles has proven to take time, patience, and persistence. We understand that some people have an idea of what healthy human connection looks like, some don’t, but most of us have very little understanding of how to actually make it happen. Based on our experience, most people do not intentionally set out to be horrible neighbors or roommates, wretched friends or lovers, terrible siblings or children, or lame parents. But all of those things happen, and often, which negatively impacts our happiness. StaySmilinLife is here to provide foundational knowledge and tools so that everyone can learn to create more positive human connections and thus, improve people’s chances of success, improve lives, and increase happiness, everywhere. Stay tuned as we are working on content to provide support in what we believe are the most important Human Connection areas: Family, Friendship, Love, and Boundaries.
