Purpose Woes

Purpose – Let us begin by saying, if you get anxious, start feeling weird, avoidant, irritated, or dismissive anytime someone asks you what your purpose is, we get it. If people ask you some variation of a question getting at “what do you want your life to mean,” or “what do you want to be remembered for,” and you don’t know the answer, we get that too. If you have a hard time deciding where you want your life to go, and constantly wonder what you’re doing because you don’t know where you are trying to get, we get that as well. All of us at StaySmilinLife have felt like that, and in some instances, we still feel that way. 

There seems to be more and more talk about Purpose these days. One can find TED Talks, YouTube videos, books, and podcasts explaining why it is so important for people to have “a purpose.” Unfortunately, many of the aforementioned sources paint a picture of having one life purpose. It is a heavy burden to think you have to choose a purpose and get it right, otherwise you’ll spend your life chasing the wrong thing. The anxiety caused by the idea that one must have “a purpose” in order to be happy, or feel fulfilled in life, is real. The four of us believe that, in order to live a StaySmilinLife, one must embrace a new concept of Purpose. 

If you have ever met someone who knows what their purpose is, and has known it for some time, it’s easy to get jealous. They probably have a road map for their life and how they are going to actualize their purpose… They know that they need to do this, to get to there, jump over that way, then go under the dragon’s legs and through the mountain, turn the corner, and then they get to live happily ever after. For the rest of us, we are wondering if we even like our job, or where we live, or if we should buy a car, or if it is too late to change careers, or if we should give up our dreams to be with a certain someone. We get it, we understand. 

Purpose Re-imagined

The thing is, at StaySmilinLife, we believe the word Purpose means so much more than what we have just described. Much of what’s out there alludes to some esoteric Purpose, depending on your belief system, some Purpose assigned by God, the Universe, fate, etc. Yet, at least in our experience, there is so much happening in life that we have to take care of, it’s easy to lose sight of any one-large-Purpose. Instead, we have found happiness by finding Purpose in all that we do, and in everything that happens in our lives. We believe you can too.

There’s a good chance however that you may already know what one of your purposes could be… you may have an inkling, a little tickle in your soul, that makes you notice how much you enjoy a certain something. There’s this thing that you’ve always wanted to do, or always felt right when doing it. For some of us, we have actually acknowledged this feeling, but thought about it and talked ourselves out of the idea that we could make a living if that one thing is all we focused on. We chalk it up to being a nice dream, an “I wish…” 

StaySmilinLife is about helping people realize how important it is that they don’t ignore that inkling, that feeling of how much you like that certain something. Or multiple things… it doesn’t matter how many. Just because you might not know how to make a living if you were to focus on whatever that special thing is for you… it does not mean those things cannot still be part of your Purpose. 

Explore Your Purpose(s)

Each of us at StaySmilinLife are constantly redefining what our Purpose is as humans on this planet, in that, we constantly strive to become our best answer to the following questions: 

• Who do I want to become?
  • What is the best version of myself?
  • What are my principles, morals, and values?
  • What do I believe in, and how do my beliefs influence my behaviors?  
• How do I want to show up?
  • How will I be a walking/talking personification of my principles, morals, values, and beliefs?
• What meaning do I want my life to have?
  • What will I still be passionate about when I’m 80 years old?
  • Is there a cause/problem/question I want to work towards solving? 
  • Is there a thing I’d like to see change in the world?
• How am I making, or going to make, money? (Most people start with this question… we don’t think it deserves to be the 1st question, but it is really important)

The challenge is, the answers to these questions don’t always match or add up, or we don’t know the answers, and sometimes our answers seem to change or evolve as we gain life experience. The great thing is, that’s okay. To be happy one does not have to know the answers to all of the previous questions, but thinking about them, trying to answer them, and putting in work to actively live your life based on what answers you do know, or think you know, will often lead you down roads where happiness will join you along the way.

Purpose Assessment

The following are some points we at StaySmilinLife believe everyone ought to consider about their life, and the direction they are going:

1. If you find yourself in a profession, career, or job that seems to really make you feel miserable… try pinpointing what exactly is making you feel that way. If it is indeed the wrong fit, serious consideration of trying out a new path may be a good idea. We know it’s scary to change directions. There are bills to pay and countless things to consider… we just hope you put the following considerations near the top of your list, “If I am miserable at this job, am I willing to be miserable doing this job for the rest of my life? Is this how I am going to choose to spend my time on this plant? Is it worth it?” Sometimes we must face hard truths in order for us to find a more suitable job, gain the motivation to go back to school, obtain a new certificate, or just try something different. The other reality is that you may benefit from assigning new meaning to what it is you are not liking in your profession, career, or job. Maybe what you are doing for work right now is a stepping stone on the way to being able to do what you want to do to make a living… 
2. Your morals and values need to be in line with who you want to become. Does your job or your relationship make you do things that are not in alignment with your principles, morals, values, or beliefs? Getting to a place where you no longer sacrifice who you are, and who you want to become, can be life-changing. Think of how you can make the most out of the stuff that you can control, and line your choices up with your morals and values.
3. How do I want to show up? If you find yourself not being the person you want to be, it might be time to evaluate your environment, your mental diet (content you are consuming), your morals, values, principles, and belief system. Another option is if you know someone who shows up in ways you admire, imitate the behaviors in them you like. There’s a TED Talk that talks about the science behind faking it ‘till you make it. Sometimes we have to learn and copy from others and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we have to create healthy boundaries from people, things, and situations in which we find ourselves not being able to show up the way we want. 
4. If you had to write your own eulogy, what would you want people to say about you? Are you leading that life – where those who know you would end up writing the same eulogy about you? Would they say those things naturally about you because you embody those things?
5. You Are Alive – The only thing we know for certain is that we get this shot at life. Regardless of your belief system, don’t you want to give this life the best shot you can? Here’s an inspiring poem we like that helps us with this point.
6. Trial and Error – Go do a bunch of stuff that makes you really happy. What are your hobbies? Hobbies are ridiculously important for several different reasons. From meeting people with similar interest, to helping you cope with challenging times in life. Find people and things that resonate with you. [Dive more into your hobbies with How Investing a Few Hours Into Your Hobbies Will Give You a Better Return on Happiness]
7. Bigger Than You – When life becomes more than just “about me” – that’s when you probably found your purpose. Or you are getting close!

FOUNDER THOUGHTS

Carlos’ Thinky Thinky… I have lived my entire life flying by the seat of my pants. I play hard and love to try new things. Growing up I wanted to be a firefighter because I idolized my uncle. He was a Fire Chief in LA and ended up committing suicide before I reached 10 years old. In my junior year of high school, I told my parents that I wanted to be a firefighter, or possibly police officer, and my mom… well, let’s just say I walked away understanding how much she disapproved of those choices. So I went to college as an undeclared major and when it came time to chose a major, after taking every subject I thought could be interesting and not enjoying them, I called my older twin sisters and asked them what their majors were. At the time my writing was worse than a 5th grader, so Journalism was out, Child Development won. Being a server and bartender through college was amazing and I loved the jobs, but two years after graduating I had the amazing opportunity to do an internship in Ukraine with the International Organization of Migration working on anti-human trafficking stuff. Living in Ukraine for 3 months, along with traveling in Italy, Slovenia, and Spain for almost three more months, changed my life. When I came home I realized I wanted to spend my life helping others. Since then I have been a case manager, parenting educator, child behavioral specialist, worked construction, mentored, been a mentee, got a Masters in Social Work, worked for Child Welfare Services (AKA CPS), foster family agency social worker, started a non-profit, started a few businesses (a community coffee shop, manufactured and sold items on Amazon, supervision monitoring services, a few others), adjunct teacher at community and State colleges, child mental health clinician, and started my private therapy practice. Obviously, I have no problem trying different things out, but more importantly, with each decision, I ask myself, “Am I helping others? Does this feel right?” 

During all of this time, I went to therapy and processed being adopted, having been molested as a child, the time my mom tried to make my stab her with a butcher knife, and the guilt from not feeling like I fit in with my family. In 2009 my girlfriend of 8 years who I had just asked for her father’s blessing decided to move home, a month later I found my mom lying on my bed after she committed suicide, I started grad school a month after that, and my childhood best friend decided to end the friendship as I was waiting outside of the door to take my MSW exit exam. I failed relationships with some great women, broke off an engagement, suffered fainting issues due to excessive stress at Child Welfare Services, lost some other friends in there to death, betrayal, and growing apart, suffered from depression, realized I can have a problem with addictions, failed businesses, tanked job interviews, and some mo’ stuff. What got me through? I slowly but surely learned how to find the opportunity each blow brought along with the pain. I learned how to harness each challenge as another tool to use when relating to others. I learned how to share my story to encourage, empower, and instill hope in others who were struggling as well. I assigned new meanings to each of my life’s hurdles and eventually embraced an idea that life happens, most of what goes on isn’t personal, and it is up to me what I do with each moment.

My personal time is spent doing tons of things I love and/or things I choose to matter. These help me find a smile on my face after, and sometimes while, a part of my heart is frowning, I find tears flowing from my eyes, and my soul is heavy from feeling the pain of others. What have I gotten out of all of this? Happiness comes to me when:

• I am helping others
• I am around great people
• I actively participate when life asks of me to participate
• I find meaning and purpose in everything that has been, is, and will be 

Kristina’s Truth. Carlos’ message of actively participating in life characterizes how I try to approach each day. I’m in the driver seat and I don’t wait for life to happen to me. I’m a do-er and have a can-do attitude. For as long as I can remember, I learned to set goals and work towards reaching them. I remember hearing that “if you shoot for the moon you’ll land among the stars” and I ran with it. I figured if I work towards a goal then I’ll get somewhere better even if it wasn’t my original destination. In my adult years, a childhood friend of mine, An, said she remembered at the beginning of high school that I proclaimed to her I was aiming to become valedictorian. I honestly can’t remember the original conversation, but that seems about right. I concretely remember my mindset in high school was “do really well in school so you can get into really good colleges.” For context, my parents divorced when I was in high school and both of my parents were struggling financially. My mom and I lived in a one-bedroom apartment and she was working several jobs so that we could have the roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I knew that the ticket to a better life was through education, seeing that, at the time, I didn’t even know what other paths to take. It was simply an equation in my head: college degree = better paying job = not having to struggle to pay for things.

I remember looking up college requirements and studying my high school course catalog to figure out what I needed to take in order to check off the necessary boxes. I even sprinkled in some other classes that seemed like fun and potential careers, like web design and architectural drawing. I learned that to have a competitive application I needed to do extracurricular activities, and that led me to join Key Club, a student organization within my high school that focused on volunteering but had a lot of ra-ra spirit events mixed in. These became some of my fondest high school memories as I got to plan and coordinate events, and I even ended up holding an elected position (although I can’t remember what). I didn’t graduate valedictorian, but I did graduate salutatorian amongst all of the others – ranked 16th in my high school class of 463. I still remember those numbers… and I’m cool with landing among those stars.

The problem with setting goals and achieving them is sometimes you realize you didn’t set the right goals. I dated my high school sweetheart for 10 years before we got married. I kept pushing for the marriage and then several years ago I found myself married, working at a good job, and was progressing through life as I thought I “should” be; but I was not happy. When I realized that my partner and I were just not a good fit, I took on a second mantra to live my life by… to live life with no regrets. 

My truth is, before I got married, I had doubts about whether I wanted to continue my relationship but I kept on talking myself out of it. I constantly told myself that I have already been in the relationship for x number of years and I have invested a lot of time in the relationship. I kept telling myself, “you just need to keep working at it; people say relationships take a lot of work.” Plus, I didn’t want to have to tell everyone that I failed at my relationship – especially friends and family… and I knew the numbers (of course)… since my parents divorced the statistics indicated I was bound to get divorced as well – I wanted to prove I wasn’t another statistic. One day I finally had the epiphany that I would regret it if I stayed in the relationship. I envisioned my older self, old and full of regret; regret that I didn’t take the leap my gut knew I needed to take. So I lept: I ended my relationship of 14 years, became a statistic, and divorced. As I write this today, I don’t regret that decision.

As I’ve moved forward and face more important life decisions I think about what I would regret more – doing something, or not doing something. I left my good paying job that I wasn’t thrilled about to pursue entrepreneurship. I started by getting my real estate license, which is something I have wanted to do for quite some time. I also became one of the founders with Carlos for our community coffee shop business, The Dojo Cafe. Through my entrepreneurship journey, I came to a stark realization that a large part of my identity and mental well-being relies on having steady income. So, while I gave go-for-broke while starting a business a shot, I now hold a day job while pursuing my entrepreneurial dreams.   

My dreams are something that I can’t give up on and it drives my days. For me, those dreams and purpose includes Stay Smilin Life, our message, and lessons. I deeply believe, together, we can help people be more comfortable with themselves, and in turn, be more open and have more empathy. Stay Smilin Life is more than the four of us, it includes all of the people we’re trying to reach and impact.

It’s me Yoichi! Who and why are more important than how or where. How I see purpose is that it’s something to figure out during your life. I had a dream when I was little, I wanted to play soccer professionally (I know I’m not the only one). I was playing soccer and was good enough, but never was able to play Club or on a Traveling team due to limited family finances. During my tenure in high school, our soccer team was great. I had the pleasure of playing on a league champion team and had the amazing experience of playing for the California South, CIF Championship. I continued to play competitively, played for a couple of Brazilian teams, and on a Semi-Pro team. I felt like my playing career was on track as my coach pushed me to try out for a professional team, and he knew I had the capability, talent, and motivation to play at that level. My coach was Rildo da Costa Menezes, who played on the Brazil National team and number of professional teams abroad and in the USA. Then, you guessed it, an accident on the field shattered my dream and what I thought was my purpose; I experienced a career-ending injury. However, with this setback in life, I learned that purpose can change, just like priorities. After playing professionally was done for me I needed to adjust my purpose and goals, I had to make a choice: continue the course and stay in the sport industry (I was a Kinesiology Major at the time), or make changes to my purpose and goals and pursue something else. I chose the latter, refocusing my sights on triple majoring in International Business, Operational Management, and Management. Again, I thought I had figured out my new purpose that would allow me to stay happy and be successful, but 5 years after graduating college I came face to face with another crossroad: stay the course and continue traveling and becoming a super salesman in my industry, or take over our family business that I was already helping with part-time. Sometimes adjustments need to be made out of necessity. As you see, we can be faced with competing priorities, or random events, that change the course of our journeys. What I’ve learned is that there is not just one purpose that a person needs to have in life to be happy. A purpose, to me anyway, is finding what makes me happy, what makes me want to live life. It’s something that makes me want to get up in the morning. Don’t worry if you can’t find your purpose… it’s clear I didn’t know how it would all work out in the beginning. I was mad when I couldn’t play on club teams to get noticed more, I had anxiety after the injury, I was unsure of what I wanted to do, and there were a lot of other problems in life during that time. But having a great friend to talk to and help you realize what you like to do, and what things you’re good at, can help you determine what your purpose can be. 

Tayari’s Two Cents: When it comes to purpose, I feel that everything I’ve experienced in life as it happened gave me the intuition to know what I was placed on this dirt rock to do. I didn’t necessarily know exactly what I wanted to do, but I have always gone in the direction of things that have aligned with my morals and values. I stepped into firefighting because everything about the career aligned with who I am. When I got rear-ended in a car accident and could no longer perform in the role, I felt I came to a hard crossroads: I felt my career and purpose vanished on the side of the road at the hands of an uninsured motorist. Looking back on it now, I had assigned a meaning to the incident that my purpose was over, but my prediction didn’t turn out to be true. 

I did some deep soul searching during my recovery and while doing so focused on what it was about the fire department I loved so much. Helping people in the most emergent situations is at the core of fighting fire, rescuing people, and responding to medical emergencies. I looked at that, as well as every other job I’ve ever had, and what stood out is that I’ve always sought jobs or experiences that had something to do with helping people. 

Do I feel I have it all the way figured out? No. Have I gotten to the place where I am performing my ideal, not yet. But I am living my life, taking notes, and am actively working towards getting as close as possible to what whatever my ideal looks like. And maybe when I get to that point, I’ll adjust it accordingly to find the degree of my satisfaction. My point here is, that life is full of highs, lows, and in-betweens, which can send you in a direction that could very well be beneficial to you hitting your goal. Remaining open to change and taking inventory of the path that has led you to the present moment could also help develop and define your purpose as well. 

Conclusion 

There is so much to say about Purpose. This is just the first of many blogs StaySmilinLife will share regarding Purpose. For some, purpose can be a goal that one would have to live three lifetimes to achieve. For others, it may be achievable in one lifetime. And for the likes of you who are like us at StaySmilinLife, we have several lifelong, and beyond our life pursuits, as well as practicing finding purpose in all that we do and that life brings. Regardless of where you are in your search for your Purpose, we hope you understand that a large part of finding happiness is deciding that your life is going to mean something, and taking steps, even tiny steps, towards making that something (your purpose) happen.